Sofie's Wedding

So I decided my first real post will be my adventure in rural China...

Characters:

Me, Ben Scarbro - Lead, Awesome, Not Chinese

Matt Reise - Other American Teacher, Same Boat, Older, Steelers Fan

Linda - Our boss, Head of Foreign Affairs Office, Numero Uno

Cindy - Linda sidekick, our babysitter, English Grad Student

Amy - Our Student helper, my favorite chinese friend

Angel - Our other Student helper, doesn't like me.

The Driver - Oh God.

Sofie - Another English Grad Student, The one we know the least, bride-to-be

Gameshow Host/Pastor - Does this guy do weddings in English, Incredible, Hilarious

Tour Guide - Annoying, Sang to us, Awkward

Setting: Leaving the great city of Loudi (Lau-Dee) and entering the country-side. Visiting some crazy Mountain with over 200 terraces of rice growing field... things.

Ok, let's begin with CONTEXT!  Matt and I, at this point can say maybe 10 things between us and he can say 8 of them.  My vocabulary includes: Hello, How Are You, I am a bad man, and I am a big monkey, and the word Beard.

We don't know Sofie minus having a lunch with her where she didn't speak a whole lot, it was more of a business lunch for Matt, Linda and I.  BUT we were invited to her wedding.  Meeting at 7:55am outside our administration building. (We're always a little late, Matt and I)

We've met our driver before, he drove us from Changsha airport to Loudi.  It was a two hour drive... terrifying/awesome.  The shoulder and the double yellow line are only there for decoration.  Your "brights" or high-beams are ALWAYS on at night, and you only turn them off for the brief seconds you are flashing someone saying "HEY! GET OUT OF MY WAY!"  Also, the blicker is not only used to signal lane changes but also to tell someone that "I'm going to pass you on this side so don't move."  More about this later I'm sure.

So we pile into our Buick Van.  The Driver, and Linda in front. Then Matt in one bucket seat the other empty (for the time being) and then me in the back... then one chinese girl... two chinese girl, and finally three chinese girls piled in the back seat with me.  Granted the three of them fit fine back there but then there's the huge American trying to be comfortable too.

Eventually the Driver's brother comes and sits in the other bucket seat and we are off.  Well its not very long before I do what is completely normal to me and get up from the crowded back seat and lay down in the trunk-ish space of the van.  They think this is HILARIOUS.  Granted I am awesome and funny but it's normal for me to end up in the trunk, let's be honest.  After three hours of driving, one stop to let Angel throw up from car sickness we arrive in the village of Sofie's husband.  As soon as we get out of the car people instantly recognize we are Americans/White People.  And in China, staring is completely normal, and in Ben's world making faces at people staring at him is completely normal.  The two go together like wings and hot.  

We get rushed into some house, bowing at a ton of people and saying "Ni hao" (hello) to everyone.  People give up their seats for us and we end up sitting with the Sofie's dad, the husband's uncle, linda, matt, and a freaking Kung Fu master! No joke, it is custom in this rural part for old Kung Fu masters to grow long white beards... and this dude was extreme.  I asked Linda if my beard meant anything... she laughed.

Finally, the couple comes in with the Gameshow host who starts yelling and giving what seems to be the ceremony of the wedding.  Eventually we figure out we're suppose to stand up.  They bow, they bow again, and then bow again all while the Gameshow Host is yelling and smiling.

Then we get rushed downstairs and outside.  Luckily the restaurant is across the street from where they live, so we go in.  Matt and I found out that we were distinguished guests and therefor we sat at the third most important table. 1) Bride/Groom and Parents, 2) Grandparents (including Kung Fu Master) and 3) Us.  Not to mention the 100 other people there that obviously know Sofie better than us. Awkward/Awesome.

Well we find out that Matt and I are going to be asked to say something to the Bride and Groom in front of everyone with a microphone in Chinese.  Luckily Matt and I aren't shy.  I said "A hundred years of togetherness for the both of you" in Chinese.  And then the Gameshow Host decided to make a ton of jokes.  None of which we understood but I think I laughed at all of them because he was so awesome.  Then the food/drinks came out... and The Driver, The Gameshow Host, and The Uncle all decided to see how much Chinese beer Matt and I could drink.  So they kept pouring us little cups of beer and cheersing us.  We won. Go America.  I don't like beer but I wasn't going to let those commies get me!  (Can I say that?)

Hunan Province is known to have the spiciest food in China.  That's why Hunan woman, are called Spicy Ladies.  Well if you know me I am a "girl" when it comes to spices. That said... I've done very well so far.  And there was an incredible pork dish that I loved.  I tried turtle too (sorry UMD).

Chinese Wedding = Awesome.  Chinese Bathrooms = Not Awesome.

So we get back in the car and start driving... but we aren't going back to the School. We are taking a "tour" of the country-side.  We end up going to a mountain that is known as like the "Dragon Mountains" because there are like 9 mountain tops and it looks like a dragon flying through the air.  Image West Virginia mixed with North Carolina mixed with a rainforest.  And the mountain has terraces or steps with rice growing everywhere.  And it is the season of the harvest so everyone is busy harvesting.  So we paid some money and got a tour guide to show us around and explain all the folklore that the mountains contain.  There is a freaking legend about EVERYthing here.  Seriously.  See that rock. It was the rock Mao kicked once and turned into a newt that feed the 5000.  Or something. (That one may be made up for the sake of this blog)

Ok, so most Chinese dialect is interesting to listen to and blah  blah blah (covering my bases so I don't sound ignorant, or mean) BUT our tour guide just was horrible. I couldn't listen to her... and then she started singing.  Luckily I wasn't the only one who thought so.  Ok, now I sound like a jerk... but I'm on the other side of the world so what are you going to do about it?

Eventually, (long story slightly less long) we started heading back.  Well MOST chinese teenagers/students don't ride in car through the country side.  Let alone are crammed into a van with a Driver that knows what he is doing but is crazy.  Example! (Mostly to make mom feel better)  We were driving through a village on the mountain side and going what seemed like a reasonable speed... a three year old kid ran in front of our car... Now I'm a great driver.  I pride myself on be VERY careful when driving and such and knowing what I'm doing.  I would have NAILED this kid.  I mean there was NO possible way to not hit him. BUT our driver didn't, He was calm, cool, collected, and knew exactly how to avoid the kid without putting anyone else's lives in danger. There is an obvious reason why he's job is professional driver (in China this is a VERY good job to have).

Any way, girls... Angel wasn't feeling well again.  But this time it was Amy that threw up.  Matt and I were fine. But they just couldn't handle the hills and all that.  Ok so eventually it was dark, and like I said everyone using their high-beams always.  Boy, was this annoying.  I got a HUGE headache.  Stupid high-beams.

We got back eventually.  All in all it was incredible, awesome, there's so much I didn't say but when I get Matt's pictures I'll show you. 

*Pieces may not be completely true due to the fact I have a horrible memory and I want to make myself sound cooler than I am.

**But I am cool.

***what?